


Sixteen Ways Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki Have (Never) Had Sex

by fits_in_frames



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Character Bleed, Crack, Crossdressing, M/M, Multi, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Semi-Public Sex, Shower Sex, Threesome - F/M/M, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-05-19
Updated: 2007-05-19
Packaged: 2018-01-21 01:36:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1532867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fits_in_frames/pseuds/fits_in_frames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Let's assume that Jared and Jensen are banging like screen doors in a hurricane. And that they're insatiable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sixteen Ways Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki Have (Never) Had Sex

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ionsquare](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ionsquare/gifts).



1.  
They're supposed to be skiing right now, and they would be if it weren't for this big fucking storm. Everyone else is downstairs, drinking wine and telling stories about filming in the snow and the rain, and Jared said he was going to lie down and of course Jensen had to follow him (ten minutes later, excusing himself to the little boys' room) and so now he's fucking Jared into a mattress (it doesn't matter whose, really), hard and fast with nothing but a spit-covered condom to help ease it, but Jared's not complaining. Jensen stops for a second, rests his knuckles on the small of Jared's back, and Jared says, "I always wanted to have sex on a mountaintop, but I never thought it'd be like this." He looks at Jensen over his shoulder and grins wickedly.

"What did you expect?" Jensen says, getting ready for another round (his balls are tingling and this time he's going to come). "Ponies -- and glitter -- and rainbows -- and kittens -- and fucking goddamn --" he teases, thrusting with each item on the list. He comes before he can say "puppies".

 

2.  
He's already made up his mind that if he makes it out of here alive, he is going to _kill_ Jensen. Like, he knew that the guy was into some kinky shit, but this? This takes the cake.

"Jensen..." he says, trying not to fall on his ass. How the fuck do chicks stay upright all the time?

"Just keep your mouth shut and follow me."

He relaxes a tiny bit when he sees someone else like him--a big guy, probably a football player, with a blonde wig and no ass whatsoever. But then he looks Jensen up and down, and Jared has to glare at him, mark his territory. The guy catches his eye and wanders off.

"I'm--" he says, but Jensen just tells him to shut up again.

And then they're in a dark corner and Jensen's got him pinned against the wall and he's surprisingly turned on by this feeling of skin-against-satin-against-satin-against-skin that's happening on his chest. Jensen's hand is warm on his crotch, and he's suddenly glad he convinced Jensen to let him wear the knee-length dress (it's probably normal-length, but fuck, when you're six-four, everything is a miniskirt) instead of that green number that actually brought out his eyes.

"I'm going to fuck you now," Jensen says in his ear, teetering just slightly on his stilettos (being more or less eye-to-eye for the first time is surprisingly comfortable), and then searches in his purse (goddammit, Jensen is carrying a fucking _purse_ ), producing a condom and lube.

He closes his eyes until Jensen's finger is in his ass (no pants of any kind to get out of the way, chicks got it made), and then he says, "I'm going to kill you when we get out of here."

"We'll see about that," Jensen says, and raises his skirt.

 

3.  
It's four in the morning, and Jared's ankles are linked behind Jensen's head, and his knees are digging into Jared's mama's sofa, and there's an empty plate on the coffee table. Jensen thrusts again, leaning over and dragging his bottom lip along the ridges of Jared's stomach muscles and Jared is grabbing at the cushion under his hand so hard, Jensen's afraid he's going to rip out the stuffing. He pauses and looks up and Jared looks down, and there's a blob of cherry goo lingering at the corner of Jared's mouth. Jensen slowly moves himself up (thrusts once, twice), and until his mouth is hovering over Jared's, and he licks away the renegade pie filling.

Jared frowns dramatically and whisperwhines, "I was saving that for later."

"Shut up," Jensen says, and kisses him just to make sure.

 

4.  
Jared doesn't feel bad for getting them pulled over, not really--even though his knees are sinking into the mud on the side of the road and his mouth is currently around the dick of a state trooper because Jensen convinced him that his friend here gives the best blowjobs this side of the Mississippi and that was why he wasn't staying completely in his lane, and so the trooper demanded proof. Jensen is standing at his back, and his erection keeps knocking into Jared's shoulder, so he lets go of the trooper's belt and reaches behind him and rubs (slowly, in circles) and Jensen whimpers and the trooper moans and Jared can't get to his fly in time and he has his eyes closed, but he's pretty sure they all come at the same time.

 

5.  
Taking a shower in the morning is the only way to wake Jared up sometimes. Unfortunately, feeling hot water pounding on his back is one of the only things that will put Jensen to sleep, and when he's running on three hours of sleep? Yeah, he's woken up with his head against tiled wall more times than he'd care to remember. So whenever he stays in Jared's hotel room for the night, and Jared insists that they shower together (Jared says so they get to set on time, but Jensen's not stupid), Jared devises creative ways to keep Jensen from conking out.

This time, he's got Jensen backed up against the cool tiles, his warm, wet mouth around Jensen's cock (and yes, everything is warm and wet, but nothing else feels like Jared's mouth, nothing else in the world). All Jensen can do to keep from yelping is grip the handle above the soap cove and bite his lip, and he feels more awake than he has in years.

 

6.  
Someone had called "cut", but Jared will be damned if he can remember who. Jensen, who still had fake blood dripping down his face, had ushered him behind the set with a soft arm around his shoulders. And then promptly shoved him against the wall behind a rack of costumes.

"That wasn't in the script," Jensen snarls, so close to his face that Jared can see individual eyelashes.

"What wasn't in the script?" he asks, innocently.

"Grabbing my head and shoving your knee in my crotch." And then Jensen presses his hips into Jared's, and _jesus christ_ Jensen's hard as a fucking rock. And then Jensen kisses him, all tongue and teeth and noses butting up against cheekbones and--

"Jen," Jared breathes, breaking the kiss, tasting blood--real blood--on his tongue. Jensen looks vaguely annoyed and _oh god_ now Jared's cock is aching against his jeans too. "Oh fucking hell," he says, and shoves his hand into Jensen's jeans and jerks him off, rubbing himself against Jensen's hip in the same rhythm. Jensen is sucking on his bottom lip and he's pretty sure whatever PA has to take these costumes to the dry cleaners is going to either hate them or make a fortune. Or both.

 

7.  
It had seemed like a crazy idea at the time, but that's the furthest thing from Jensen's mind right now, with Jared's cock in his ass and his face pressed into sweet-smelling leather. Eric's going to kill them, probably--not only did they steal the car they were using on set today, but they brought it to a Tim Horton's and now they're fucking on the backseat and fogging up the windows and--oh fuck, Jensen just decreased the value of this car by at least a few dollars.

 

8.  
They've only gotten caught once, something that Jared honestly considers a miracle, given the number of times they've gotten each other off on set. Well, technically twice, if you count that time with Jeannie in the makeup trailer.

_(They both got there early and they both had morning wood and Jensen offered to suck him off and he was a little too late in letting Jensen know he was going to come and so instead of coming into the trash can like he'd planned, it went all over Jensen's face, so rather reciprocating, he had to spend the next five minutes getting Jensen clean again, and when Jeannie found barely-dry semen in Jensen's left sideburn, he didn't know if Jensen's ears or Jeannie's face was redder.)_

Regardless, the only real time was when he was in the middle of blowing Jensen in a janitor's closet on a soundstage. Jared doesn't think Kim will ever let them live it down.

 

9.  
The thing about Jared is that he doesn't know when to stop, especially when it comes to candy. Which is why he's curled up on Jensen's couch, and Jensen is bringing him tea. Jared moans as Jensen sits near his feet, setting the hot mug on the coffee table.

"Oh, cut it out, you big faker," Jensen teases, and slides the tea down so Jared can reach it if he ever decides to leave the fetal position.

"Why didn't stop me?" Jared whines.

"Because you're twenty-four, dude. I'm not your babysitter."

Jared takes a sip and contorts his face even further, if that's possible. "What the hell is this?" he asks, smacking his lips disgustedly.

"Chamomile," Jensen says, taking the mug from him before it falls out of his hand and puts it back on the table. Jared winces as he lays back and sprawls, his legs barely fitting on the couch, and Jensen absently rests the side of his hand on Jared's poor, defenseless stomach.

"Mmm," Jared says, squirming a little, and suddenly sounding about ten years old. "Your hand feels nice."

"Yeah?" Jensen says, flattening out his palm a little and quirking an eyebrow even though Jared's got his eyes closed and he won't see.

"'S warm," Jared says, and presses his face into the back of the couch.

So Jensen rubs his belly in slow circles (Jared's leg twitches like a dog's, and Jensen almost laughs) and accidentally-on-purpose hooks his pinkie under the edge of Jared's t-shirt, pushing it up to his armpits, and twists around onto the floor, onto his knees so he can press his lips to the soft patch of skin right above Jared's navel. Jared arches up as Jensen lightly drags two fingers over Jared's nipple and tongues at the dips of skin and muscle at Jared's waistline.

"Nngh," Jared says as Jensen switches hands so his free one can undo the button on Jared's jeans. He abandons Jared's chest all together, shoving his jeans and boxers down to mid-thigh, and runs his tongue, teasingly, along Jared's half-erect cock. "Nnnngh," Jared says again, and his hips hitch up involuntarily.

And then Jensen gives him the best fucking blowjob he can possibly give upside down, complete with fingers digging into the soft flesh of Jared's ass and little occasional hints of his canines through the edges of his lips, and he doesn't even complain when Jared comes and the angle is all wrong and a little bit goes up his nose.

When he's done, Jensen rolls over, legs still awkwardly folded under him, one hand still under Jared's ass, and rests his head on Jared's stomach. When Jared's fingers start scritchscratching at his scalp he asks, "How you feelin'?"

"That was infinitely better than the tea," Jared says, with equal part relief and smartass in his voice.

Jensen readjusts his position so Jared's hip bone isn't digging into the base of his skull, closes his eyes and smiles to himself. "Good."

 

10.  
"You sure this is cool with her?" Jensen asks again, biting at the corner of his mouth. He's going into his protective little shell, like he usually does when they try something new.

"That's what having an open relationship means, jerk," Jared says, and butts his naked thigh up against Jensen's. He runs his fingertips along the soft skin in the crease between Jensen's thigh and belly, and Jensen relaxes a little, and kisses him just as Sandy steps out of the bathroom in a flimsy, silk nightgown.

"I see you're ready for me," she smiles, and sprawls herself out on the other bed. "Give me a show, boys."

And suddenly Jared feels naked, much more naked than he had just a second ago, even though he's wearing nothing but an ankle bracelet. He swallows, and before he can even breathe, Jensen's grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him into a messy, wet kiss. He hoists his legs up onto the bed and gets one on each side of Jensen's hips and shifts backwards until their knees line up. He digs one heel into Jensen's spine, and Jensen's toes curl away from his back. He can see Sandy out of the corner of his eye (her hips are rocking, slowly, and her right nipple is hard), but then Jensen's hand is on his thigh and drifting closer and closer to his cock, which is twitching obediently. Jared spits in his hand and paws around for Jensen's cock until Jensen finds it for him. And then they start jerking each other off, erratically slow at first, before they lock into a steady rhythm. Jensen's free hand goes into Jared's hair and Jared kisses him without any further prompt.

Sometimes their knuckles brush against each other at the top of a stroke, and Jared throws his head back and gasps, and Sandy moans, and Jensen bites his lip so hard Jared's afraid he's going to draw blood. They lean into each other, cheek to cheek, and Jensen whimpers into the little curls of hair behind Jared's ear, and so Jared grunts and moves his hand faster. Jensen comes first, onto Jared's belly, and then Jared comes onto Jensen's, and the bedsprings under Sandy squeak for a good minute afterwards.

 

11.  
It's not unusual for Jensen to be in Eric's office. He likes to study his lines during lunch sometimes, away from everyone else, and Eric doesn't really mind as long as he can still, you know, use his office.

It is, however, unusual for Jensen to be sitting at his desk, especially when he's clearly not learning his lines: his head is tipped back and his face is flushed and one hand is in his lap and the other is gripping at the edge of the desk, and Eric wants to know what PA got conned into giving the boy a blowjob (probably that new one, Cindy; he knew he forgot to tell her something when he met her this morning), so he clicks the door open, grinning smugly.

"Hey Jensen," he says, stepping inside.

Jensen sits upright and sputters, and whoever is under the desk whacks her head on the edge of it and gags wetly. "Hi Eric," Jensen says, voice shaking.

Eric grabs a can of Coke from the mini-fridge near the door, holds it up. "Just needed this. I'll let you get back to work. Ten minutes."

"Ten minutes," Jensen says, nods, and watches him, wide-eyed, as he leaves.

He stands outside, drinking his Coke for a few minutes, and almost chokes on it when he hears Jared's voice say, "We are _never_ doing this again."

 

12.  
Blissfully, there is no one else in the men's room when Jensen walks in. They're all out on the red carpet, or the green carpet, or the whatever-the-fuck-color carpet, and he finds Jared easily, mostly because he can see the top of his head over the top of the stall furthest from the door.

"You're friggin' huge, man," Jensen says as he walks towards him, shoes clicking loudly on the tile.

Jared opens the stall door and grabs at the plackets of Jensen's shirt and pulls him in, then shoves him against the door to shut it, and relocks it.

"You want to find out just how huge?" Jared breathes against his jaw line, fumbling with Jensen's belt buckle. His own pants are already at his ankles.

"Absolutely," Jensen says, and unzips himself. He moves to turn around, but Jared stops him.

"No, you're going to have to take them all the way off." There's a glint of mischief in his eye, and Jensen likes it. So he kicks off his shoes and leaves his pants and underwear in a neat pile next to him, and Jared pushes him against the stall door again, snakes his hands under his thighs, and whispers in his ear, "Trust me." Jensen does, and then next thing he knows, his legs are wrapped around Jared's waist and Jared's putting on a condom underneath him and fingering him with the other hand and then there's Padalecki cock in his ass.

Jared holds Jensen's thighs in his hands and thrusts upwards, and Jensen grabs feebly at the flimsy metal walls that are just out of reach.

"I gotcha," Jared says every time he buries himself deeper into Jensen. "I gotcha, baby."

"Fuck," Jensen grunts, giving up his expedition to the walls and concentrating on jerking at his swollen cock. "I thought I told you--not to call me baby."

"Sorry baby," Jared says, breath hot against Jensen's cheek, "I can't help myself, you're too much."

"Shut up," Jensen says, and lunges forward to kiss him, pulling off slightly, taking Jared's bottom lip between his teeth and tugging, just a little. Jared moans, thrusts again, and goes stiff as he comes. He pulls out slowly, backs away slightly, lets Jensen's legs down, and ties off his condom as Jensen pushes past him and comes into the toilet. Jared is out of the stall by the time Jensen turns around.

"You know," Jensen says as he reaches for his pants again, "I hope you got it out of your system. I don't want you humping me in public again."

"Absolutely," Jared says, and Jensen's not quite sure if he means absolutely, out of his system or absolutely, there's going to be some humping going on. He decides he doesn't really care.

 

13.  
They'd been shooting scenes all day and the three of them had gone back to Jeff's hotel room for a beer and ended up getting drunker than drunk. Jared wakes up on the floor, in a pool of his own drool, with Jensen curled up at his feet and Jeff sprawled on the bed. He gets up, wipes his mouth on the back of his hand, and stumbles into the bathroom. The clockradiowhatever glares _4:46_ at him, and he doesn't bother to put the seat up or close the door before he takes a piss, because they're all guys, right?

He yawns widely, strips down, turns on the shower and steps in. The water falling on his head and stomach is soothing. He gets a mouthful and swishes it around, trying to get rid of the stale taste of cheap beer, when Jensen groans, groggily, from the other side of the curtain. Jared watches his silhouette over his shoulder as he soaps himself up--Jensen pisses, then takes off his t-shirt and his boxers, and then he's suddenly on the other side of the curtain, pressed against Jared's back, arms around Jared's waist.

"Hi," Jared says, and kisses his forehead.

"Hi," Jensen says sleepily, and rubs himself up against Jared's ass. He's hard already.

Jared automatically puts his hands on the wall above his head, spreads his legs--partially to steady himself, partially to make Jensen's life easier--and there's one, two fingers in his ass, and he moans into his arm as Jensen leans in and lines his shoulder blade with little kisses, then trails his tongue all the way up his neck, licking up sweat and water and god knows what else. And then Jensen's fingers get replaced by his cock and Jensen's hands rest on Jared's hips as he thrusts, slowly, and digs his chin into Jared's shoulder. Jared turns and kisses him, mostly so he doesn't let out one of those stupid primal groans that he sometimes does. And then Jensen pulls out, pulls away, and comes into the flow of water. He returns a moment later, grabs Jared at the waist, turns them around so that he's between Jared and the wall, and jerks Jared off until he comes onto the shower curtain, but the warm water immediately washes almost all of it down the drain.

Jared relaxes back against Jensen and sighs, "Fuck."

"Yeah," Jensen says. "Now get off me, I want to go back to sleep."

Jared obliges, and doesn't complain when there's no towels left--he just uses the one Jensen's commandeered as a new pillowcase.

Jeff, for his part, is amazingly still snoring.

 

14.  
The second time they have sex in Jeff's shower, it's at night, and Jensen almost ruins it by yelping so loudly when Jared fucks him at just the wrong angle that Jeff comes in to make sure they're okay.

Somehow, though, he ends up with Jensen's cock in his mouth.

 

15.  
Jensen's supposed to be on set right now, and he knows he's supposed to be on set right now, and his cell phone is vibrating somewhere on the floor, but goddammit, he's got a cock in his mouth that belongs to a six-foot-four someone who, minus the cell phone, is in the exact same situation.

 

16.  
"God," Jared practically coughs into the pillow at his chin when Jensen pushes just a little too far, just a little too fast.

Jensen leans over (the leather jacket is soft against Jared's bare back and he's suddenly reminded of how badly wardrobe is going to ream them tomorrow for stealing these overnight), and breathes against Jared's neck, "Call me Dean."


End file.
